Silence

There is considerable literature around the benefits of silence as an approach, ranging from the benefits of active listening, increasing the impact of an important message, to the effectiveness of it as a tool in confrontational situations. Silence is often used as a therapeutic tool, in coaching and as a strategy for leaders, letting people consider what they have heard and / or forming their thoughts and response. Positive silence.

In coach training we are encouraged to use silence, I remember practicing this technique with peers and how uncomfortable it initially made us. A few seconds feels like an eternity, many of us got the giggles when we practiced, a nervous reaction to the discomfort, but as a tool it is powerful. Positive silence.

Silence associated with active listening, enables people to reflect and form their thoughts before responding. Listening with the intent to understand, rather than with the intent to reply, listening to what is being said and how, listening to what is unsaid. Creating the environment and opportunity for people to actively express opinions and ideas. Active listening is a great leadership skill. Positive silence.

Some silence is less positive. Silence without positive engagement can be threatening in both 1:1 and group situations. Taking silence as agreement is risky, sometimes it does mean everyone agrees of course, but sometimes it might not. Restrictive silence. Coercive silence.

How many times have you sat in a meeting whilst a question is posed, a topic discussed, or an agreement being sought that is met with silence? How many times have you heard the chair of a meeting say, “I will take silence as agreement”? How often have you been quietly disagreeing? How often have you wanted to say something but have not?

We are all human; we have all done it for a variety of reasons; not wanting to speak up, knowing the agenda is already packed and there is not time for a proper discussion, avoiding tension, concern about looking silly and repercussions, self-preservation etc. Sometimes bomb shells are strategically dropped leaving people reeling but without sufficient reflection time to gather their thoughts, sometimes controversial topics are raised without a full story. This is when silence is not agreement. Restrictive silence. Coercive silence.

Many of us will have had conversations outside meetings where we express disagreement with something that was said / happened. I am sure everyone reading this will have their own views and experiences of course. The things that are not said often scream the loudest. In formal meetings the silence is sometimes deafening. Complicit silence.

In the coming weeks, in meetings when there is silence, consider whether its positive or negative. Observe behaviours in the meeting, including your own. Be fully present and participate. It is ok to say, “we don’t have agreement.” It is ok to ask people to actively confirm their agreement rather than passively disagree.

Agreement through absence of disagreement is a dangerous thing and contributes to negative organisational cultures across the world. We get the environment we create and if we disagree and do not say so then we contribute to the culture ourselves.

This blog is about courage. And courage to change starts with each of us.